Finding Ben: A Mother’s Journey Through the Maze of Asperger’s
Author Barbara LaSalle

Finding Ben: A Mother’s Journey Through the Maze of Asperger’s Barbara LaSalle McGraw Hill Books, 2003 ISBN 0-07-140225-X

If you ask a parent to write about the shock of finding out they just gave birth to a child with brain damage or blindness of a chromosome abnormality, a pattern emerges. Those stories, while incredibly therapeutic for the writer, are not always good to read. It’s the flip side to finally being open about special needs. While we may have come out of the closet, we may not know what to wear.

I’ve read pretty much every memoir about special needs that’s ever been written. I devour them, seeking connection to my own journey as a parent of a child with special needs. As the years go by, I am interested in hearing about adults with disabilities- what’s the long view of this life?

I just had the honor of listening to Barbra LaSalle talk about raising her son Ben, from birth to his early thirties in her candid memoir. She was hard on herself. She was hard on Benjamin. She was hard on both her husbands. She was not a perfect mom, she often wasn’t even a god enough mom. But she never gave up on Ben or herself. I salute her for that act of courage.

Throughout his youth, Ben was given many label- mentally ill, retarded, severely learning disabled, socially disabled. It wasn't until he was an adult that Ben was given the diagnoses of Asperger’s. Born in the late 60’s, medical understanding of neurological disorders (such as the autism spectrum which Asperger’s’ falls on) was very poor. Doctors blamed mothers for most of it, especially when behavioral issues were involved. . Kids with disabilities had no rights to an education- the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) didn’t pass until 1978 and no civil rights -the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) didn’t’ pass until 1990.

Ben’s mother knew as soon as she came home from the hospital that something wasn’t right. But no one believed her, especially when Ben was speaking in complete sentenced by age one, reading whole books by age two, and reciting facts from the two books he read over and over, A Child’s History of the World and A Child’s Geography of the World.

Now, professionals would recognize his obsessions, his narrow interests, his lack of social skills, his inability to make friends, his adherence to routine, his poor motor skills and his savant abilities as classic signs of Asperger’s. But that is now, not then.

LaSalle tried everything - occupational therapy, eye thereby, private school, public school. The worst year was when his father sent him away to boarding school (after they were divorced and his father gained custody) where he was sexually abused, mentally abused and severely malnourished. It’s a very uncomfortable chapter to read- its all the things parents fear for their child all at once and Barbra couldn’t save him.

Barbara’s story of her battle to accept Ben runs parallel to his profound struggles to live in a world that doesn’t have room for him. She openly shares her dislike, even hate of Ben. Like many of us, she often can’t or won’t separate Ben from his behaviors. She hates his weight (he is obese). She hates his chronic lying. She’s embarrassed by him. She’s desperate for him to get “better” and become “normal.” She hates herself for hating him.

After decades of both of them feeling like failures, Ben agreed to go one more time to see a doctor. He was twenty-three when the doctor looked at Ben and said, “Ben, you have autism.” For the first time someone told Ben that his problems were not his fault. For the first time, Ben understood that his problems were not his fault. On the way out of the office, Ben turned to his mother and through tears said, “Don't be sorry Mom. This is the happiest day of my life.”

The healing could finally begin.

Throughout the book, Ben shares his own memories and thoughts. He can remember details of his room when he was an infant,” The room was yellow. My crib was white. The dresser was blue, with white knobs. I remember because when we moved, the knobs fell off.” He gave his mother permission to tell their story together. Ben maintains a web blog, www.apsergerjourney.com and continues to work hard to make his life work for him, not for everybody else. And Barbara finally found Ben. She liked what she found.

Copyright © 2005 Anna Stewart. All rights reserved worldwide.